By Thomas Chung
My parents are a little apprehensive, to say the least, of a burly man trespassing through my chimney to place presents under my Christmas tree. Can you enter through the front door instead? I’ll leave the key under the mat.
Also, I don’t really have chocolate chip cookies and whole milk on hand like a lot of American families do, I hope almond cookies and soy milk will suffice!
I guess this is the time I’ll tell you what I want. My first request is that you pay your elves a living wage, provide healthcare for them, and secure adequate housing for their immediate families. Slavery doesn’t look good on an iconic Christmas figure like you.
My second and final request is that you send me the amount of money necessary to attend college and grad school. I rely on you as my source of income every year. It’d be nice if you could pull through this time!
With jolly good love,