Letters to Santa

Dear Nicholas Claus,

This letter serves as a notice that I will be filing a lawsuit against you for your negligence in the stated infractions that you have been getting away with for so many years. I speak as the voice of millions of people who are tired of your failure to be a rule-abiding citizen and holiday icon. You will be tried for the following:

1. Repeated infractions of breaking and entering into countless homes in a single night

2. Disrupting Newton’s 2nd Law of Motion

3. Crossing borders without a certified passport

4. Owning and operating a sweatshop filled with elven workers

5. Operating a transportation vehicle without a certified license plate

6. Endangering animals native to the North Pole

7. Stealing cookies and milk without consent

8. Tax evasion

9. Damaging private property

That being said, all of this trouble can be resolved with the presence of a third party. In closing, Mr. Claus, we want the law to apply to you as it applies to us American citizens. No form of power or wealth will influence the legal system in your trial.

Whatever verdict you receive will be served with justice and complete unbias, though I recommend hiring yourself a good attorney.


The Law Office of Jasmine Alfaro


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